I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm too high and old for this...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
