we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
