he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
