I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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