I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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