You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
