neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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