The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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