Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
