and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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