tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
