Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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