I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
