She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
