i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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