Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
