he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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