Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
