Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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