We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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