i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do vagina's smell?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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