Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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