omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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