She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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