I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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