but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even my vagina gasped.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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