When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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