i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
time to smoke my breakfast
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
