I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
did i walk over a car last night?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
