I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
