Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just threw up on my dentist
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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