the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
