i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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