Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
