I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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