Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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