i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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