I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
