She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
