There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
