I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize