You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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