I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
