Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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