First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
