im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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