Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
