2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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