If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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