I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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