I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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