How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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