i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
