hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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