dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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