a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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