actually, I'm a sock model
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown