Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet