based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
